Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
