Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
