"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize