she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
