You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
