did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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