One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
