this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
