she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
