The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
