I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My penis needs a shock collar
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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