dude i'm inner monologue high
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
