Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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