I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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