what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
why do cheetos always look like penises
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
