I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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