I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
