My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
