Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
