Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
