and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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