I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
