My brain says no but my pants say off.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
