So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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