She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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