I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
