I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
