Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
