like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
