so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Let's paint friendship bongs
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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