i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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