the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
