so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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