I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
