We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
