its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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