I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
