So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
