Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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