i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
