We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
