You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
