On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
