He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
