I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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