Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
