did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
