I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
