I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
