We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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